What's your sign?

Saw this on the Rio Dulce Chisme Vindicator forum.
Someone was hoping to find an AA meeting on the Rio Dulce River in Guatemala. There was one. Good for them.
Then someone name MOTS (A Super Senior River Rat) also posted this Zodiac guide to drinking. Kinda funny.

ARIES
Drinking style:
Impulsive Aries people like to party and sometimes don't know
when to call it a night. Their competitive streak makes them prone
to closing time shot contests. They're sloppy, fun drunks, and they
get mighty flirty after a couple tipples. Getting Aries people drunk
is a good way to get what you want out of them, should other
methods fail. Aries can become bellicose when blotto, but they will
assume that whatever happened should be forgiven (if not
forgotten) by sunrise. They can be counted on to do the same for
you -- so long as you haven't gone and done anything really
horrible to them last night.

TAURUS
Drinking style:
Taurus prefers to drink at a leisurely pace, aiming for a mellow
glow rather than a full on zonk. Since a truly intoxicated Taurus is
a one-person stampede, the kind of bull-in-a-china-shop inebriate
who spills red wine on white carpets and tells fart jokes to
employers, the preference for wining and dining (or Bud and
buddies) to body shots and barfing is quite fortunate for the rest of
us. This is not to say that the Bull is by any means a teetotaler --
god, no. A squiffy Taurus will get, er, gregarious (full of loudmouth
soup, some would say) and is extremely amusing to drag to a
karaoke bar when intoxicated.

GEMINI
Drinking style:
Gemini’s can drink without changing their behavior much -- they're
so naturally chatty and short-attention-spanned that it's just hard to
tell sometimes. They can amaze you by conversing with finesse
and allusions, then doing something to belie an extremely
advanced state of intoxication, like puking in your shoe. Gemini’s
possess the magic ability to flirt successfully (and uninfuriatingly,
which is very tricky) with several people at once. They like to order
different cocktails every round -- repetition is boring -- and may
create a theme (like yellow drinks: beer, sauvignon blanc and
limoncello) for their own amusement.

CANCER
Drinking style:
Cancer is a comfort drinker -- and an extra whiskey with dinner or
an after-work beer or six can be extra comforting, can't it, Cancer
darling? Like fellow water signs Scorpio and Pisces, Crabs must
guard against lushery. Cancers are never really drunk; instead,
they get "tired and emotional" (read: weepy when lubricated). But
there's nothing better than swapping stories (and spit) over a few
bottles of red wine with your favorite Cancer. Even your secondfavorite
Cancer will do. The sign also rules the flavor vanilla, and
you'd be adored if you served up vanilla vodka and soda.

LEO
Drinking style:
Leo likes to drink and dance -- they're often fabulous dancers, and
usually pretty good drinkers as well, losing their commanding
dignity and turning kittenish. Of course, they're quite aware they're
darling -- Leos will be Leos, after all. They generally know their
limit, probably because they loathe losing self-control. When they
get over-refreshed, expect flirting to ensue -- and perhaps not with
the one what brung them. But Leo's not the type to break rules
even when drunk, so just try to ignore it (try harder, Cancer) and
expect a sheepish (and hung over) Lion to make it up to you the
next day.

VIRGO
Drinking style:
Cerebral Virgos are compelled to impose order onto their bender.
Their famously fussy quest for purity could lead to drinking less
than other signs, sure -- but it could also lead to drinking booze
neat, to sucking down organic wine or just to brand loyalty. They
rarely get fully shellacked -- but, oh, when they do! Virgo's
controlled by the intellect, but there's an unbridled beast lurking
within, and they let it loose when walloped. It's dead sexy (and
surprisingly unsloppy). As one Virgo friend used to declare, "I'm
going to drink myself into a low level of intelligence tonight." A
toast to the subgenius IQ!

LIBRA
Drinking style:
"I'm jusht a social drinker," slurs Libra, "it's jusht that I'm so damn
social?" Libra loves nothing more than to party, mingle and relate
to everyone. Whether dipped in favor of Good Libra (with Insta-
Friend device set to "on") or heavier on the Evil Libra side (they
are little instigators when bored), the Scales can really work a
room. Charming as they are, Libras are notoriously lacking in selfcontrol,
however, which can get them into all sorts of trouble --
including wearing their wobbly boots waaaay too early in the
evening, flirting with their best friend's beau or even blacking out
the night’s events entirely. Oops!

SCORPIO
Drinking style:
Don't ever tell Scorpios they've had enough, for they'll smirk at you
and quietly but intentionally keep tippling till they're hog
whimpering drunk, out of 100-proof spite. Scorpios like to drink,
and screw you if you have a problem with that. Most of them see
the sauce as something to savor in itself, and not as a personalityaltering
tool -- though if depressed, self-loathing Scorps seek total
obliteration. But generally, they're fascinating drinking pals, brilliant
conversationalists and dizzying flirts. They also remember
everything -- especially what you did when you were blitzed. Only
drink with a Scorpio who likes you.

SAGITTARIUS
In vino veritas -- and, for Sagittarius, in booze blurtiness:
When buttered, they'll spill all your secrets and many of their own.
Tactlessness aside, Sagittarius is just plain fun to drink with. This
is a sign of serious partying (what else would you expect from the
sign of Sinatra, Keith Richards, the Bush twins and Anna Nicole
Smith?). They're the people who chat up everyone in the room,
then persuade the entire crowd to travel somewhere else -- like a
nightclub, or a playground, or Cancun. Good-natured hijinks are
sure to ensue (including a high possibility of loopy groping;
spontaneous Sag is a brilliant booty call).

CAPRICORN
Drinking style:
Capricorn is usually described as practical, steadfast, moneyhungry
and status-thirsty -- no wonder they get left off the
astrological cocktail-party list. But this is the sign of David Bowie
and Annie Lennox, not to mention Elvis. Capricorn is the true rock
star: independent, powerful and seriously charismatic, not too
eager to please. And if they make money being themselves, who
are you to quibble? But just like most rock stars, they're either
totally on or totally off, and they generally need a little social
lubricant to loosen up and enjoy the after party, especially if they
can hook up with a cute groupie.

AQUARIUS
Drinking style:
Aquarius and drinking don't go together that well (except for water,
that is). They have an innate tendency toward know -it-allism, and if
they get an idea while sizzled, they're more stubborn than a stain
or a stone. If they're throwing a party or organizing an outing,
however, they're too preoccupied with their duties to get combative
-- and they make perfectly charming drunks in that case.
Fortunately, they're usually capital drink-nursers. They also make
the best-designated drivers (if you can get them before they start
raising their wrist): Aquarius is fascinated by drunken people and
capable of holding interesting conversations with soused strangers
while sober.

PISCES
Drinking style:
If you're a Pisces, you've probably already heard that you share a
sign -- and an addictive personality -- with Liz Taylor, Liza Minelli
and Kurt Cobain. Not only do Pisces like to lose themselves in the
dreamy, out-there feeling that only hooch can give, but they build
up a mighty tolerance fast. Who needs an expensive date like
that? On the other hand, they’re fabulously enchanting partners,
whether in conversation or in crime. With the right Pisces, you can
start out sharing a pitcher of margaritas and wind up in bed
together for days. The phrase "addictive personality" can be read
two ways, you know.